Soon after I started scootering (probably that very first autumn) and before I had learned to bail safely from it,  I took a really bad tumble off the scooter and landed on my head. Fortunately I was wearing my helmet (I might have even posted pictures of it at the time) and my noggin was saved, and rather than making me more fearful of falling it did the opposite. As they so often are, uncertainty and unfamiliarity were the scary things rather than the actual experiencing of falling since it turned out to be no big deal in the end (although I did have to buy a new helmet).

So I’m not sure why I’ve persisted in being terrified of bikejoring pretty much forever. At one point I gave it a couple of half hearted attempts but never got serious about it. Maybe it was because that one time I tried biking with Squash with a side attachment, he broke it inside of ten minutes? There was a practical aspect to it; for a long time I didn’t have a vehicle that could transport a bicycle. But mostly I think it’s because I am unfamiliar with an easy way to bail off the bike if things start to go south and that’s pretty uncertain.

But recently I found myself as the only one in a bikejoring group on FB talking about scootering a lot, and realized that since getting the minivan I don’t really have the space/transport excuse anymore, and figured I should probably give it a fair shot, so I decided to just do the thing.

It went quite well actually. To my surprise, so far the dogs (and by that I primarily mean Squash because we all know Maisy is perfect) seem to run much better in front of the bike vs. the scooter. Steadier pace, much better ON BY, just all around more consistent. I think it’s because we are going a little faster and they are not just straight-up pulling as much; I can assist by kicking the scooter, but it’s not the same as pedaling the bicycle.

I didn’t die, or even need to bail off the scooter. For some reason I thought it would be a lot easier to lose my balance and fall over if I had to stop short or than it was and a lot harder to hold my ground if the dogs (again, Squash) did try to pull off course than it was.

We’ve gone a handful of times now, and while I’m not going to hang up my beloved scooter any time soon we’ll continue to bike as well.

In other news… Pip continues to do well. Like, really unexpectedly well. As of this writing we are just about four months out from his surgery, which is longer than we expected to still have him with us, and really just living a normal life (*knock wood*) other than having fewer rules and more treats in his life. His birthday is in a few weeks, and I feel hopeful that he’ll actually see twelve. He’s even growing his tummy feathers back.

I’m so happy and grateful that we have gotten this spring together; we’ve been going springtime birdwatching together a lot lately. And by that I mean I birdwatch while he meanders around eating grass and standing in the river. He’s really the perfect dog for it, because he doesn’t actually care about wildlife anymore and the slow pace suits him at this stage of his life.

And we get to see lots of nifty birds. I mean, look at this little guy.

I have to admit, though, that I’ve been having an odd time of it lately. And I’m only going to talk about this next stuff because I’ve found that it’s an odd road to walk and it sometimes feels lonely and I want anyone going through the same thing to know they’re not alone. The chances of having a close friend or family member navigating these end of life waters with a pet at the same time you are? Fairly slim. Friends, especially dog friends, understand it completely on one level but on another level you can only hoist your feelings on other people so much and many don’t really know what to do or say.

Make no mistake, day to day and when I’m with him I’m sincerely able to enjoy the time we’ve got and I’m so happy and grateful for it and wouldn’t trade a single day for anything. As we navigate these final months I’ve tapped into a deep appreciation for and patience with all my loved ones, I smile and laugh and play with them as much as possible. But at the same time I’m finding the uncertainty (there’s that damn word again) and the proverbial Other Shoe have become more weighty with time instead of less as I expected.

I guess I thought over time that Shoe would fade into the background and we’d live our lives and it would be like we weren’t watching or waiting for anything at all. Instead, it’s more like procrastinating right up to a deadline; at first it feels like, while limited, all the time you do have left lies ahead.  But as it’s running out it feels more and more precious and while I honestly don’t think I’m obsessing over it, I’m also always just a little bit aware of it. And sometimes feel overwhelmingly sad, or scared. And I feel sometimes like I’m doing this wrong, feeling wrong things. Like, I should only only have the happy and grateful without the fatigue and irritability that come along with naggy small stresses, and I certainly shouldn’t be feeling sad yet because he’s RIGHT HERE literally at my feet as I write this.

Then while I was having all these feelings, that social network’s algorithms recommended a canine hemangiosarcoma support group to me. Great, I thought. A place to commiserate with people experiencing what I’m experiencing.

Except it was just post after post of… we said goodbye to Dog today, we were X weeks from diagnosis. And don’t get me wrong, support during grief is super important and I wouldn’t take it away from anyone or suggest they shouldn’t seek it out. But I was expecting more of a… support before grief kind of thing. I just wanted to tell someone in my situation who might be feeling my same feelings that I was feeling them, and be reassured that normal human being with feelings indeed feel these things and I am not some kind of ungrateful monster. And reading them all, I was really rattled. Just really shaken. I don’t want him to go. I don’t want to be making a post like that.

So… at the end of the day I’m not writing this to garner sympathy, I’m honestly not. Mostly I’m writing it for the catharsis and because it helps me sort out my own feelings. But also if you’re going through this now or ever, please know… Sometimes you’re going to feel stressed and sad and mad and scared and that doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate or deserve the time you have or that you don’t love your dog or don’t want them to stay. It means you’re a normal human being with normal feelings. Be easy on yourself, hug your dogs and go birdwatching if that’s your thing. Or if it’s not, do some other thing instead.