Roadkill Willpower Depletion

Now that I broke the seal, we’ve been doing more bikejoring than scootering this spring. Aside from some stretches of rain and a few random heat waves, the weather has been pretty cooperative.



Yesterday we had a couple of encounters with a turtle that had been run over (RIP, turtle and SLOW DOWN, state park drivers! The speed limit is already only 20mph here.). The first video is on the way out and the second video is on the way back.



Pretty different!  One thing this makes me ponder is the concept of “willpower depletion” as it relates to my training and expectations of the dogs. You can read more about it here, but the basic idea is that we all have a limited amount of willpower to dole out during the day and as it gets used up, it gets harder and harder to exert self-control in tempting situations. It’s not settled science by any means, and you can find just as many articles that refute as support it.

The danger lies in either using it as an excuse rather than an explanation or ascribing it too much power and lowering your expectations as a result. There are lots of things that were different about these two encounters to explain the difference, chief among them that none of us knew it was there on the first pass but we all knew it was there on the second pass – and a Squash never, never forgets.  Also, the first time we went by we came around a corner off a dirt trail to the road and had a very short distance to even see and register what it was. The second time, we had a long straight stretch of road ahead of us where it was visible.

So I suspect that on that second pass he’d mostly just had an awful lot of time to see it, realize/remember what it was, think about much he wanted it, and commit to a plan.  With maybe just a little pinch of being a little tired and bored and willpower depleted.

Why what’s really going on here even matters to me is that there can be a fine balance between training challenges that are just that, challenges, vs those that are unfairly setting a dog up for failure. One of my great weaknesses when training my dogs is that I too often err on the side of the latter and in my efforts to avoid making things unrealistically difficult, I make them too easy. In this case, that might look like taking another route to avoid the turtle on the second pass and missing out on the opportunity to “win” the standoff. I’m not a master dog trainer, and my dogs and I are far from perfect, but I do like to try to learn from things like this.

In other news… Pip continues to do well, which is both surprising and welcome. He’s already outlasted his prognosis and while the old man is slowing down a bit, we’re still having a good time together.



Squash is taking a beginner’s disc (frisbee) class and that’s going ok. He does not have much natural interest or drive for toys so it’s been a learning experience to try to build that up in him.  I’ll try to get some pictures or video up at some point.

I hope everyone’s spring and summer are going well, and although we’re heading into summer and the weather might start limiting us, I’ll try to update a  bit more often.

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Accurate Live Reading by Gifted Bikejorer

Either I can control the future or predict it, because after presciently discussing traditionally being scared of having to bail off a bicycle in a recent post, I had to bail off the bicycle.

I was stopped, straddling the bike, on some soft-ish ground for a brief sniff break when the dogs successfully calculated the exact vector needed to apply force in order to make the wheels slip out sideways. Probably purely out of scooter-bailing reflex, I nearly simultaneously let go of the handlebars and stepped over the crossbar. I like to think it all looked very badass to the casual observer, like a perfectly choreographed and executed movie stunt. Sadly, no pictures or video; you’ll just have to use your imagination.

So, THAT was no big deal. As deals usually turn out to be.


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To Own a Dog

Look how lovely this is.

Denise Fenzi


Think about this for a minute. What it is to have a dog, another species, for a friend.  A companion who will be there with you, day after day, asking little more than something to eat and a safe place to live.

I can take my dog’s leash off and know that she’ll return to me. She will chase critters, smell good smells, snack on fresh grass or play ball, but always with an eye on me.  When she is done with her most current adventure, we’ll go home together.

I can ask her to come to me and remain by my side, and she will choose to respond because it’s our habit to cooperate with each other, even though she has freedom to choose otherwise.  Yes, I trained these things but she does not follow my requests out of obedience.  She follows because it works for both of us…

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Maisy is Nine

Oh yea, while I was wallowing around in my feelings I forgot to mention that Maisy turned NINE this week. I can hardly believe it.




In case we need a reminder of how perfect she is, observe:



That’s my girl.

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Do the Thing, and Pip Update

Soon after I started scootering (probably that very first autumn) and before I had learned to bail safely from it,  I took a really bad tumble off the scooter and landed on my head. Fortunately I was wearing my helmet (I might have even posted pictures of it at the time) and my noggin was saved, and rather than making me more fearful of falling it did the opposite. As they so often are, uncertainty and unfamiliarity were the scary things rather than the actual experiencing of falling since it turned out to be no big deal in the end (although I did have to buy a new helmet).

So I’m not sure why I’ve persisted in being terrified of bikejoring pretty much forever. At one point I gave it a couple of half hearted attempts but never got serious about it. Maybe it was because that one time I tried biking with Squash with a side attachment, he broke it inside of ten minutes? There was a practical aspect to it; for a long time I didn’t have a vehicle that could transport a bicycle. But mostly I think it’s because I am unfamiliar with an easy way to bail off the bike if things start to go south and that’s pretty uncertain.

But recently I found myself as the only one in a bikejoring group on FB talking about scootering a lot, and realized that since getting the minivan I don’t really have the space/transport excuse anymore, and figured I should probably give it a fair shot, so I decided to just do the thing.



It went quite well actually. To my surprise, so far the dogs (and by that I primarily mean Squash because we all know Maisy is perfect) seem to run much better in front of the bike vs. the scooter. Steadier pace, much better ON BY, just all around more consistent. I think it’s because we are going a little faster and they are not just straight-up pulling as much; I can assist by kicking the scooter, but it’s not the same as pedaling the bicycle.

I didn’t die, or even need to bail off the scooter. For some reason I thought it would be a lot easier to lose my balance and fall over if I had to stop short or than it was and a lot harder to hold my ground if the dogs (again, Squash) did try to pull off course than it was.

We’ve gone a handful of times now, and while I’m not going to hang up my beloved scooter any time soon we’ll continue to bike as well.


In other news… Pip continues to do well. Like, really unexpectedly well. As of this writing we are just about four months out from his surgery, which is longer than we expected to still have him with us, and really just living a normal life (*knock wood*) other than having fewer rules and more treats in his life. His birthday is in a few weeks, and I feel hopeful that he’ll actually see twelve. He’s even growing his tummy feathers back.

I’m so happy and grateful that we have gotten this spring together; we’ve been going springtime birdwatching together a lot lately. And by that I mean I birdwatch while he meanders around eating grass and standing in the river. He’s really the perfect dog for it, because he doesn’t actually care about wildlife anymore and the slow pace suits him at this stage of his life.



And we get to see lots of nifty birds. I mean, look at this little guy.



I have to admit, though, that I’ve been having an odd time of it lately. And I’m only going to talk about this next stuff because I’ve found that it’s an odd road to walk and it sometimes feels lonely and I want anyone going through the same thing to know they’re not alone. The chances of having a close friend or family member navigating these end of life waters with a pet at the same time you are? Fairly slim. Friends, especially dog friends, understand it completely on one level but on another level you can only hoist your feelings on other people so much and many don’t really know what to do or say.

Make no mistake, day to day and when I’m with him I’m sincerely able to enjoy the time we’ve got and I’m so happy and grateful for it and wouldn’t trade a single day for anything. As we navigate these final months I’ve tapped into a deep appreciation for and patience with all my loved ones, I smile and laugh and play with them as much as possible. But at the same time I’m finding the uncertainty (there’s that damn word again) and the proverbial Other Shoe have become more weighty with time instead of less as I expected.

I guess I thought over time that Shoe would fade into the background and we’d live our lives and it would be like we weren’t watching or waiting for anything at all. Instead, it’s more like procrastinating right up to a deadline; at first it feels like, while limited, all the time you do have left lies ahead.  But as it’s running out it feels more and more precious and while I honestly don’t think I’m obsessing over it, I’m also always just a little bit aware of it. And sometimes feel overwhelmingly sad, or scared. And I feel sometimes like I’m doing this wrong, feeling wrong things. Like, I should only only have the happy and grateful without the fatigue and irritability that come along with naggy small stresses, and I certainly shouldn’t be feeling sad yet because he’s RIGHT HERE literally at my feet as I write this.

Then while I was having all these feelings, that social network’s algorithms recommended a canine hemangiosarcoma support group to me. Great, I thought. A place to commiserate with people experiencing what I’m experiencing.

Except it was just post after post of… we said goodbye to Dog today, we were X weeks from diagnosis. And don’t get me wrong, support during grief is super important and I wouldn’t take it away from anyone or suggest they shouldn’t seek it out. But I was expecting more of a… support before grief kind of thing. I just wanted to tell someone in my situation who might be feeling my same feelings that I was feeling them, and be reassured that normal human being with feelings indeed feel these things and I am not some kind of ungrateful monster. And reading them all, I was really rattled. Just really shaken. I don’t want him to go. I don’t want to be making a post like that.

So… at the end of the day I’m not writing this to garner sympathy, I’m honestly not. Mostly I’m writing it for the catharsis and because it helps me sort out my own feelings. But also if you’re going through this now or ever, please know… Sometimes you’re going to feel stressed and sad and mad and scared and that doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate or deserve the time you have or that you don’t love your dog or don’t want them to stay. It means you’re a normal human being with normal feelings. Be easy on yourself, hug your dogs and go birdwatching if that’s your thing. Or if it’s not, do some other thing instead.


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Let Me Count the Maisy Ways

It’s February. We’ve had a week of 60s F weather, and the trails are *mostly* iced out although still pretty muddy So I swapped the skis out of and the scooter into the van and we’ve gotten out 3x this week. I can’t remember the last time I ran dogs 3 days in one week.

And once again I am reminded how awesome Maisy is. My little enforcer…

1. Drags his smug looking and not-at-all sorry face away from the tree he just blew an “on by” for.



2. Body blocks him when he sees some deer off the trail and wants to veer off.


3. Keeps body blocking while he gets his shit together.


4. Yet again, adding a little shove to the block.


5. Once more for the kids in the back, “I SAID WE’RE GOING ON BY THE DEER SQUASH”


6. She knows how to sneak a peek at the deer without breaking stride.



Also, I just really like this picture:


On the Pip front, he is continuing to do very well. We are about 7 weeks out from his surgery and so far so good. He got to go to the dog park today; with the heat wave we’ve been having the river has mostly iced out as well so he got a little water time, which I’m very grateful for. He doesn’t swim so much anymore but he loves to play in the water and I really wanted him to feel well long enough to get back at least once.



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Just a Thing I Wrote About Pip

A little bit of his hair is in my eye, but I don’t really mind. This has become our bedtime ritual, he waits for me to get into bed and open my ereader before coming to my side of the bed where he sits, watching; going through the motions of politely waiting to be invited up as if he wouldn’t just wait until I was asleep and get on the bed anyway. I move the same blankets to clear the same little space on the sheet which I pat like I do every night and he hops up and plops down next to me, so close that my temple and shoulder are pressed against his back as I read.

He’s warm, it feels good on a cold February night. He runs hot, always has, and he likes to cuddle up. He’s the best dog to take along on the edges of camping season when it might still or already get chilly at night in a tent. My little fuzzy space heater. I wonder if we’ll ever get to take another camping trip together; spring seems so far away. I’m suddenly very glad I took him last fall.

I was worried it would feel desperate and clingy and all-encompassing, this uncertain space of time between knowing and letting go. At first it did, but we’ve made it a month without catastrophe and he’s still feeling well and now that we’re familiar with this place it feels calmer, more ok. Good, even? No, not exactly good, but… it feels pure. It’s surprisingly freeing, all expectations and worry over consequences (go ahead and have a[nother] bite of my sandwich or ten more treats, what’s the worst that could happen you’re dying for crying out loud) have fallen away at the same time patience and forgiveness (muddy pawprints clean up so easily, and you’re not really snoring THAT loudly and I only need half the pillow anyway) have blossomed and what is left is so true and pure and full of old memories and new memories being born.

It occurs to me that this is how we should be with all those we love, all the time. We’re all dying, really, just some more imminently than others. I wonder if I’m capable of doing so. I decide to try, though patience has never been my strong suit.

With that thought, I close the reader and as I set it on the nightstand we both sigh our last sigh before sleep, another ritual; I think he just enjoys the memory foam mattress topper but for me it means “yup, we had another good day together.” I know it’s real, that he’s still here for now. I’ve got his hair in my eye to prove it.




(Edit: Because this post has been shared with people who don’t know us, I’d like to clarify that Pip has been diagnosed with a malignant form of cancer called hemangiosarcoma. We don’t know exactly how long we have left with him, but we are looking at months. Writing this has been an effort to help sort out my feelings about knowing what, but not knowing when. As of today he is feeling well and we are trying to just live in that state of pure enjoyment each day. Thanks for kind words and thoughts, and if you’re going through the same thing, you’re not alone.)

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